1 · What is Future‑Faking?
Future‑faking is the promise of a better tomorrow used to avoid accountability today. It’s not always malicious; most often it’s anxious nervous systems trying to buy time with dopamine IOUs.
Classic examples: “I’ll be right back” (then disappearing), “After this week I’ll change,” “We’ll go to counseling soon,” “I’ll quit after the holidays.” The talk regulates the moment; the walk never comes.
2 · The Fantasy Economy (IOUs of the Heart)
When presence feels unsafe, relationships switch to a fantasy currency: promissory dopamine. We trade visions instead of actions.
| Instrument | Looks Like | Hidden Cost |
|---|---|---|
| Hope Bonds | “Soon we’ll…” plans | Deferred grief; learned helplessness |
| Rescue Options | “When I finally…” vows | Power imbalance; caretaker burnout |
| Romance Futures | “Next month we’ll reset” | Attachment whiplash |
| Sobriety Derivatives | “After this binge I’m done” | Trust erosion; safety debt |
Fantasy spending spikes when shame is high and capacity is low. The only antidote is measurable presence.
3 · Attachment & Neurochemistry Behind It
| Driver | How It Feeds Future‑Faking | Repair Move |
|---|---|---|
| Anxious Attachment | Promises to stop the partner from leaving | Time‑boxed commitments; tolerate small silences |
| Avoidant Attachment | Promises to postpone intimacy | Micro‑doses of contact; pre‑commit recovery windows |
| Dopamine Drought | Talking big gives a cheap high | Behavioral activation; celebrate tiny completions |
| Shame | Grand vows to escape accountability | Confession + one verifiable action |
4 · Red Flags & Self‑Checks
- Promises expand as deadlines approach.
- Apologies without calendared actions.
- “Emergency” always replaces intimacy.
- Partner must earn basic respect first.
- Your body relaxes only after speeches, not after follow‑through.
5 · Damage Profile (Why It Hurts)
Future‑faking trains the nervous system to distrust language. It converts love into a credit system with compounding interest. Result: hypervigilance, resentment, intimacy shutdown.
6 · Boundaried Repair: The Presence Contract
We don’t fix fantasy with bigger fantasy. We fix it with smaller truths repeated reliably. Try this one‑page Presence Contract:
- One Promise Only: Choose one behavior for 7 days (e.g., nightly 10‑minute check‑in at 9:00pm).
- Visible Proof: Put it on the calendar; both can see it.
- Default Honesty: If you can’t do it, say so before the deadline and propose a concrete alternative.
- No Grandstanding: No future talk until the 7‑day streak is complete.
- Review: On day 8, assess together: keep, adjust, or retire.
Small promises kept are sacred. They retrain the body to believe words again.
7 · Scripts for Realignment
| Situation | Say This |
|---|---|
| Chronic over‑promising | “I’m not going to promise that. I can do 10 minutes tonight at 9:00.” |
| Missed commitment | “I won’t make an excuse. I missed it. I’m moving it to 9:30 and adding a reminder.” |
| Partner future‑fakes | “I hear the plan. Can we write the first step on the calendar for today?” |
| Hypersexual peace‑offering | “I want closeness, and I also need the repair we scheduled. Which comes first?” |
8 · IFS: Negotiating with Parts
Invite the inner council. Let each part name its fear about not promising big:
- Protector: “If I don’t promise, I’ll lose them.” → Reassure with one concrete act today.
- Hero: “Small is embarrassing.” → Reframe: small is trustworthy.
- Exile/Little: “If they leave, I’m alone.” → Plan co‑regulation that doesn’t require vows.
9 · Dark Night Link: Surrender vs. Projection
Future‑faking is a refusal to enter the night. Projection shields us from grief with fantasy. The Dark Night invites surrender: do the next true thing, in this body, today.
10 · Church of NORMAL Liturgy
| Ritual | Action | Purpose |
|---|---|---|
| Confession | Name the promises that died. | End spiritual gaslighting. |
| Communion | Share one small win from this week. | Co‑regulation over performance. |
| Exorcism | Say no to grand vows for 30 days. | Dethrone the god of control. |
| Baptism | Water ritual before the first kept promise. | Mark somatic reset. |
| Commission | Serve one person with a kept commitment. | Love becomes measurable. |
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Benediction
May your words become places your body can live. May small promises kept outshine every fantasy. May presence be your love language, and truth your rhythm. The Infinite Game continues.