Church of NORMAL • Normal Like Peter Series

Primer 3 – Reconstruction of Covenant and the New Attachment Ethic

Attachment-aware, trauma-informed field guide for rebuilding (or releasing) with integrity.

0) What “Reconstruction” Means

Primer 1 mapped how love dies quietly; Primer 2 traced the architecture behind it (CEN → Nice Mask → Ruptures). Primer 3 is the how-to for a different kind of relationship: one where attunement is the vow, repair is routine, and selfhood isn’t sacrificed to belong. Sometimes you rebuild the marriage; other times you rebuild yourself for the next covenant. Either path is reconstruction.

1) The New Attachment Ethic: Five Articles

  • Mutual Attunement Over Ownership: “I will keep noticing you and letting you matter—even when we disagree.”
  • Co-Regulation Before Conversation: flooded bodies can’t connect; we calm first, then talk.
  • Truth Without Punishment: honesty is welcomed, not weaponized.
  • Repair as a Lifestyle: rupture is normal; not repairing is optional.
  • Sacred Autonomy: two whole people choosing each other; boundaries protect love.

2) From Crisis to Safety: A 4-Stage Map

Stage A – Stabilize (Days–Weeks)

  • 20-minute timeouts when flooded; no pursuing/stonewalling during timeouts.
  • Sleep/food first; no “state of the union” talks after 9pm.
  • Perimenopause relevant? Prioritize medical care and symptom tracking.

Stage B – Translate (Weeks–2 Months)

  • Share a one-page Trigger Map: “When X happens, my body tells this story… What helps is…”
  • Build a Comfort Menu (3 concrete supports your partner can offer).
  • 10-minute daily reflective listening: speak → reflect → swap → stop.

Stage C – Repair (Ongoing)

  • After any rupture, do the 5-Step Repair (§5).
  • Track “time-to-repair”; celebrate it getting shorter.

Stage D – Re-Covenant (90 Days+)

  • Create a living covenant (§7): rhythms, roles, money norms, intimacy goals, repair clauses.

3) Nervous-System Toolkit (You’ll Actually Use)

90-Second Reset: back-to-back; breathe 4-2-6 for 8–10 cycles; each names one body sensation; 10-second hand touch; then talk.

Two-Chair Timeout: two chairs in separate corners; 15 minutes; return with one sentence: “I’m willing to try ___.” If still flooded, repeat.

S.A.F.E. Apology Capsule: See it → Acknowledge impact → Future cue (“30 mins, I’ll repair”) → Engage (come back).

4) Eight Common Ruptures + Micro-Repairs

Dismissal → “You’re overreacting.”
Repair: “I believe you. Tell me more.”

Abandonment in crisis → didn’t show up.
Repair: “Here’s how I will next time: ___.”

Defensiveness → arguing facts, not feelings.
Repair: “I got protective. What felt worst?”

Stonewalling → shut down.
Repair: “I need 20 minutes; I’ll re-engage at the table.”

Score-keeping → love as math.
Repair: “The need is fairness; let’s design a plan.”

Weaponized silence → distance as punishment.
Repair: “My silence was a wall. One sentence now: ___.”

Sexual disconnection → performance pressure.
Repair: “Schedule connection without pressure—touch & talk first.”

Family triangulation → didn’t defend us.
Repair: “Next time: ‘We’ll discuss privately and get back to you.’”

5) The 5-Step Repair (24–48 hours)

  1. Story: hurt partner tells what happened + how it felt (no interruptions).
  2. Empathy: reflect feelings; best-guess: “You felt __ because __.”
  3. Ownership: “I did/said __; the impact was __. I get why that hurt.”
  4. Amends: “If I could redo it, I’d __. I’ll do __ now.”
  5. Plan: agree on one concrete future behavior; write it down.
Checkpoint: if either is flooded, return to Stage A and schedule the repair later that day.

6) Boundaries & Needs Matrix

Create a shared doc with two columns:

Non-Negotiables (Self-Protection): sleep minimums; sobriety/behavioral lines; financial transparency; time alone; medical care.

Negotiables (Co-Design): chore splits; social time; holidays; sex frequency; parenting logistics; tech use; spiritual practice.

Add: “How we will talk when this changes.” It will.

7) The Living Covenant (Template)

Preamble: we choose a relationship where both selfhood and togetherness thrive. We commit to repair, consent, and growth.

  • Attunement: weekly 30-min check-in (energy in/out; one request).
  • Conflict: no escalation after 9pm; 15-min timeouts; no contempt/insults.
  • Roles & Labor: list tasks (incl. mental load); assign/rotate; quarterly rebalance.
  • Money: shared ledger; purchases > $___ discussed; monthly 20-min sync.
  • Intimacy: two connection windows/week; “not now → schedule X” allowed without shame.
  • Family & Friends: defend each other publicly; holidays planned by Oct 15.
  • Health & Safety: sleep, medical, mental health, substances = covenantal priorities.
  • Repair Clause: 5-Step Repair within 48h; repeat ruptures → third-party session.
  • Revision Clause: quarterly review; it’s alive.

8) Decision Tree: Repair or Release?

Choose Repair when: both want the relationship and will change behaviors; safety is intact; at least one consistent bonding behavior exists.

Choose Release (with honor) when: one partner won’t participate in repair; repeated boundary violations persist; self-erasure is required to stay.

How to Release with Honor: state the decision without blame; own your part; draft a short transition covenant (kids/money/comms); begin grief practices.

9) Post-Divorce / Co-Parenting Covenant

  • Children First: no adult processing with kids; present logistics as a team.
  • Stable Rhythm: predictable calendar beats “flexibility” that breeds anxiety.
  • No Triangulation: use a shared channel for joint decisions; don’t speak for each other.
  • Rupture-Repair with Kids: “I was short. You didn’t cause it. Next time I’ll __.”
  • New Partners: planned introductions; answer questions without recruiting sides.

10) Practices That Make This Real (Weekly Rhythm)

  • Daily (10–15 min): 3 breaths; one appreciation; one bid (“Walk after dinner?”).
  • Weekly (30–45 min): check-in (appreciation, stretch, one request).
  • Monthly (60 min): household board; rebalance; micro-date.
  • Quarterly (90 min): covenant review; update boundaries/needs; plan rest/retreat.
  • Grief & Growth: if you’re the shocked spouse, schedule grief work (journal/somatic/group/therapy).

11) Scripts You Can Steal

  • Boundary: “I want to stay connected, and I need __ to stay present. Can we do that?”
  • Repair Opener: “I value us more than being right. Can I try again?”
  • Desire Without Demand: “I’m craving closeness. Would Friday 8–9 work? If not, what would?”
  • Timeout with Return: “I’m flooded. 20 minutes; I’ll come back to finish this.”
  • Release Line: “I’m ending the romantic covenant and keeping a covenant of respect. I’ll own my part and protect our future peace.”

12) Closing

The old covenant said: stay, no matter what. The new attachment ethic says: stay attuned—or be honest—and repair what you can, including yourself. Reconstruction is a rhythm: breathe, notice, name, repair, revise. Do this for 90 days and watch love change shape—inside the marriage if possible, inside your life regardless.