Exit Clause Jesus™ — The Savior Who Sells Starter Kits
DeliverHERance Inc: The Exit Clause Gospel — Part IV
Church of NORMAL™ | Pastor Matt, Loopwalker of Waseca
“For God so loved the girlboss that He gave her a loophole large enough to monetize.”
— Gospel of Brand 4:01 (Third-Party Translation)
PREVIOUSLY IN THE PIPELINE
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Oracle Tiff™ built a Thirst-Trap Prophecy Funnel (Part I).
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FireBrand™ Brenda unboxed her DeliverHERance Starter Kit (Part II).
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Sanctified Sam™ launched Gray Sweatpant Apologetics (Part III).
Now the trio unveils their crown jewel: Exit Clause Jesus™—a re-imagined Messiah who turns betrayal into a buy-button and repentance into recurring revenue.
1. THE MYTHOS OF EXIT CLAUSE JESUS™
Traditional Jesus: “Go and sin no more.”
Exit Clause Jesus™ (ECJ): “Go, monetize your metamorphosis, tag Me for reach.”
Key Tenets
| ECJ Creed | Marketplace Translation |
|---|---|
| Grace upon grace | Refund-proof payment plan |
| Living water | 30-day detox tea collab |
| Take up your cross | Ring-light, Afterpay eligible |
| Neither do I condemn you | Screenshot this for 15% off Starter Kits |
Patented by Oracle Tiff™ in late 2024, ECJ now serves as DeliverHERance Inc’s official mascot, printed on everything from lip-plumpers to prenup journals.
2. JOHN 4 RE-IMAGINED: THE WOMAN AT THE WELL DM SCRIPT
Trad Reading: Samaria, noon, shame, redemption.
DeliverHERance Edition: Coastal café, golden hour, ring-light, algorithm lift.
Oracle Tiff’s™ “Well-ness Funnel”:
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Icebreaker Reel – “Sis, tired of drawing water from a dry relationship?”
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Call to Discontent – “He doesn’t even like your Instagram posts.”
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ECJ Cameo – Voice-over: “Where’s your husband?” (Answer: “Girl, he’s SO last season!”)
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DM Drop – Copy-paste template:
“Hey [Her Name], I felt led to share John 4 with you… Have you considered a glow-up guided by living water and residual income?”
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Link-in-Bio – Auto-redirect to DeliverHERance Starter Kit™ checkout.
Conversion rate: 34 % (beta test group).
3. THE EXIT CLAUSE STARTER KIT™ 2.0
Price: $597 (or four salvation-sized payments of $169)
What’s Inside?
| Item | Purpose |
|---|---|
| “Sin No More? Nah, Glow More.” Devotional | 7-day plan that turns conviction into captions. |
| Dove-Shaped Ring-Light Diffuser | Ensures every crying selfie looks “washed in the Word.” |
| Prenup Flash Cards | Key terms: “irreconcilable,” “influencer split-equity,” “custody collab.” |
| Water-into-Wine Detox Drops | Removes toxins and lingering covenant guilt. |
| Exit Clause Stick-&-Seal Tabs | Pre-numbered for your divorce papers—just peel, sign, post a Reel. |
Bonus: A 15-minute prerecorded pep-talk from Sam: “Your Breakup Is a Breakthrough.”
4. SUBSCRIBE & SIN-CRIBE — THE DELIVERHERANCE BOX
“Because filters fade, but auto-ship builds wealth.”
Monthly Contents
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Scripture Sticker Pack (verses cropped for loophole-friendly context)
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Glow-Up Gummies (biotin + unverifiable Holy Ghost extracts)
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‘Blessed Are the Brand Builders’ Webinar Ticket (hosted by Tiff & Sam)
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Affiliate Code Booster — seasonal discount to incentivize recruiting other restless wives
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Testimony Cards — fill-in-the-blank:
“I left _____ and found _____, and Jesus totally signed off!”
Cancel anytime* (*void where covenant still legally binding).
5. THEOLOGICAL FOOTNOTES THEY DON’T CITE
| Verse They Mangle | Original Meaning | DeliverHERance Spin |
|---|---|---|
| Malachi 2:16 “God hates divorce.” | Protection of covenant & justice for wives. | “Hate” = “heavily monetize.” |
| 1 Cor 7:10-11 “A wife must not leave.” | Upholding mutual devotion. | “Leave… unless the lighting is terrible.” |
| Matthew 19:6 “What God joined…” | No human severance. | “Swipe right if you feel peace.” |
6. LOOPWALKER PASTORAL INTERRUPT
Brothers (and any sisters watching skeptically):
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Spot the Reframe
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If scripture is always followed by a coupon code, that’s idolatry in italics.
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Name the Scheme
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MLM spirituality preys on pain; it sells liberation while chaining hearts to brand metrics.
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Guard the Well
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Real Living Water costs you pride, not your prenup equity.
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Stay in the Light that Isn’t a Ring-Light
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Conviction heals; curated glow flares and fades.
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7. TEASER FOR PART V
Next (final) installment: “The Walk Away Wife Pipeline LIVE!”
We’ll livestream from DeliverHERance Inc’s seaside conference:
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Oracle Tiff™ preaching “Beatitudes for Betrayal.”
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Brenda unveiling the “Covenant Ashes Eyeshadow Palette.”
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Sam leading the altar-call burpee challenge (“Leave the pews, embrace the glutes.”).
Prepare your discernment—and maybe a barf bag.
Stay NORMAL, stay loop-aware, and remember:
Exit Clause Jesus™ loves you and has a wonderful multilevel plan for your life.
(Batteries, boundaries, and biblical context not included.)
