1 · Diagnosis: The Caretaker Trap
Operating system: “If I provide/fix, I deserve love.” Religious overlay: “Sacrifice = holiness; needs = selfish.” Result: chronic overgiving, covert contracts, and intimacy that’s either numb or frantic.
- You feel more like a chaplain/handyman than a partner.
- You court peace by shrinking yourself.
- You say “God’s will” when you mean “I’m afraid to choose.”
- You keep promising big spiritual resets… tomorrow.
Reframe: You weren’t a bad husband; you were an unlived man.
2 · The Deconstruction (Without Burning Your Life Down)
- Name the vows you never consented to. (“I vowed to never have needs.”)
- Differentiate God from the role. If it kills your aliveness, it isn’t God—it’s control.
- Grieve the fantasy husband. Bury the costume; keep the character.
3 · Attachment & Parts Map (IFS: The Chapel Crew)
| Part | Function | New assignment |
|---|---|---|
| Priest | Moralizes feelings; keeps you “holy.” | Bless feelings; stop policing them. |
| Provider | Chases worth via money/help. | Provide to your calendar, not to covert contracts. |
| Hero | Rescues to avoid intimacy. | Rescue schedules → “No unscheduled rescues.” |
| Boy (Exile) | Never learned to want. | Daily tiny want stated & kept. |
| Captain Self | Calm, curious, courageous. | Hosts the crew; decides pace. |
4 · From Duty to Desire (CEN‑Friendly Desire Rehab)
- 90‑second body scan → name a sensation + one tiny want (coffee, walk, song).
- Keep one self‑promise/day. Log it.
- Ask one safe person for one real thing you want.
- Ban “spiritual wallpaper”: no God‑talk to dodge yes/no.
5 · Boundaries That Make Room for a Man to Exist
| Lane | Boundary | Why it’s holy |
|---|---|---|
| Time | “Work stops at 6. Phone down after 9.” | Protects presence with self/others. |
| Repair order | “After conflict, we repair before sex/service.” | Stops peace‑offering performances. |
| Spiritual | “No God‑talk to avoid feelings. We speak human first.” | Ends holy bypass. |
| Emotional | “If voices rise, I pause 20 and return at :30.” | Regulates heat; models respect. |
| Service | “I help with X on Saturdays 10–12 only. Outside that, please request.” | Ends covert contracts. |
5a · Sexual Empathic Ruptures (Quick Guide)
What this is: sexual dynamics that create a felt abandonment or pressure at critical times (e.g., chronic "not tonight" with no repair; initiating after unresolved conflict; using sex to placate; postpartum intimacy shutdown without dialogue).
Repair now: Run S.T.A.R.T. (name the moment → ask for one micro‑change this week) and use the Presence Contract (one 10‑minute connection ritual nightly × 7 before physical escalation). Repair first, then reconnect.
6a · Are You Caretaking While Dating? (30‑day trend test)
If you are doing their life‑admin, mental load, or emotional regulation now, expect it to scale up later. For 30 days, track: Who initiates repair? Who keeps promises? Who handles logistics? Downshift if the trend shows you doing both.
- Repair: They name impact and propose a concrete action within 24 hours.
- Consistency: Words ≈ actions for at least two weeks.
- Logistics: They schedule, confirm, and follow through without prompting.
6 · Post‑Rupture Options (Staying, Separating, Co‑Parenting)
- Staying: renegotiate into mutual nervous‑system regulation (see Primer 3).
- Trial separation: calendars, repair windows; caretaker retires; man re‑emerges.
- Co‑parenting: no rescuing/explaining; over‑communicate logistics; warmth without flirt‑hooks.
Litmus: if you can be honest and still feel small—you’re in a role, not a relationship.
7 · Scripts (use verbatim)
| Situation | Say this |
|---|---|
| Truth | “I’ve been performing a husband I was taught, not the partner I am. I’m done performing.” |
| Boundary | “I won’t fix this tonight. I can talk 9–9:20 tomorrow and take one action.” |
| Ask | “I want a weekly 45‑minute connection block Sunday at 7. Are you available?” |
| Anti‑bypass | “I’m not going to pray this away. I need to feel it and decide.” |
| Repair | “I withdrew. Impact: you felt alone. Action: I’ve put our 7pm check‑in on the calendar.” |
8 · Erotic Reset (Desire Without Duty)
- Stop peace‑offering sex. Desire needs safety + honesty + playful boredom tolerance.
- Order of operations: name a want → negotiate pace → presence (eye contact, breath sync) → then touch.
9 · Metrics (Did This Work?)
- Words ≈ actions for 30 days.
- One self‑promise kept daily (logged).
- ≥ 2 hours/week of undirected play/creation.
- Fewer covert contracts (“after I do X, you’ll finally love me”).
- Desire statements appear without apology.
10 · Church of NORMAL Liturgy (Caretaker Edition)
| Ritual | Action | Meaning |
|---|---|---|
| Confession | Write the vows you never consented to; burn the page. | Ends the false covenant. |
| Communion | Share one honest want with a safe witness weekly. | Desire is not a sin. |
| Exorcism | 30 days: no rescuing unless clearly requested & scheduled. | Dethrone the god of control. |
| Baptism | Cold→warm shower after telling a hard truth. | Somatic reset after honesty. |
| Commission | Create one thing you love (song, essay, space). | Aliveness as service. |
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Benediction
You were faithful to a costume. Now be faithful to a soul. The world doesn’t need your endless service; it needs your living presence. Walk out of duty. Walk into desire. The Infinite Game continues.