The Silent Pandemic: Perimenopause, Emotional Upheaval, and the Covenant Crisis
Church of NORMAL • Field Essay

The Silent Pandemic: Perimenopause, Emotional Upheaval, and the Covenant Crisis

Biological transition × attachment wounds × low repair capacity — why families mistake a silent earthquake for a villain.

✝️ Introduction: The Divorce Nobody Sees Coming

You can hear it in the tremble of the voices. You can see it in the confusion of the children. One day, the woman they knew — the wife, the mother, the partner who helped build a life with them — just... shifts.

At first, it’s small things: sudden exhaustion, muted anger, unexplainable sadness. Then it grows: hollow smiles, distant glances, fragmented plans. Finally: “I’m not happy anymore.” “I need to find myself.” “Maybe I never loved you the way I thought.”

Friends are baffled. The husband is shattered. The children freeze. Almost no one names the deeper reality: perimenopause colliding with emotional illiteracy.

💡 What This Is / Isn’t

  • This is a map of how hormonal transition interacts with attachment wounds and low repair capacity.
  • This isn’t “perimenopause causes divorce” or “wives are to blame.”
  • Biology lowers tolerance for unrepaired empathic ruptures; love can feel dead.
  • If there is abuse, coercion, or addiction, choose safety and distance first. Always.

✝️ Chapter 1: What No One Tells You About Perimenopause

We ritualize puberty, marriage, and motherhood — but not perimenopause. Beginning in the mid-30s to early 40s, it’s a season of hormonal destabilization touching mind, body, and spirit.

Common experiences: waves of sadness, anxiety, restlessness, identity questions, heightened sensitivity to earlier losses. To her it feels catastrophic; to family it looks like betrayal. Underneath is a physiological metamorphosis: regulation systems are rewiring.

Closing Reflection: It’s not rebellion or failure. It’s an unspoken hormonal apocalypse stressing the covenant. Without language and support, people unwittingly dismantle the life they built.

✝️ Chapter 2: Why the Covenant Breaks Without Warning

Perimenopause triggers a full system audit: neglected needs resurface, old traumas get loud, suppressed dissatisfaction demands attention. Without literacy, the storm seems external: “my husband,” “this life,” “these walls.”

🛐 The Covenant Crossfire

The faithful husband may become the symbol of confinement. Not because he failed, but because he stayed. Love becomes a trigger; presence, evidence against him.

⚖️ Two Nervous Systems, Two Fears

Her body: fear of engulfment (“I’m losing myself”).
His body: fear of abandonment (“I’m being left”).
Biology amplifies both, locking the pursuer–distancer loop. It’s not malice; it’s misfired safety.

🔥 Why It Feels Personal (Even When It’s Not)

He feels rejected and then faces a rewriting of history — “I never loved you.” The brain seeks coherence when emotions collapse. Blame supplies a story.

Closing Reflection: The ground shifted; no one taught them to stand. The Infinite still remembers the true story, even when memory is rewritten.
“Sometimes the covenant doesn’t break because someone stopped loving. It breaks because no one taught them how to survive the storm inside.”

✝️ Chapter 3: Inside the Emotional Earthquake — What Women Feel but Can’t Explain

Estrogen retreats, progesterone falters, testosterone swings. The emotional bedrock shifts while the world demands: keep smiling; keep performing; keep others comfortable.

💔 Why She Can’t Explain It

Invisible suffering lacks language: lost patience and pleasure, faded desire, thinner resilience, eroding hope — while shame whispers, “You’re blessed; what’s wrong with you?” Suppression deepens the fault lines.

Closing Reflection: She isn’t running from love; she’s surviving collapse. Name it early. Ask for co-regulation before conversation: “I’m flooded — can we breathe first?” Biology first, then story.
“It’s not that she stopped loving. It’s that her ground shook so hard she couldn’t find her footing anymore.”

✝️ Chapter 4: Why the Church Mistook It for Rebellion

Many faith spaces remain illiterate in female embodiment. When a woman changes, systems too often label: “rebellion,” “Jezebel,” “bitterness,” “out from under covering.”

🔍 Misdiagnosing Biology as Sin

Old pattern, new names: hormonal symptoms get spiritualized — “lack of joy,” “not trusting God,” “withholding love.” Few ask what’s happening in her body.

🛐 A Crisis of Embodiment

We preach incarnation yet fail to hold women’s incarnate suffering: no sermons on hormonal compassion, no midlife identity groups, no training on how estrogen drop can mimic abandonment trauma. She seeks forgiveness instead of help.

💒 If You’re a Pastor or Ministry Leader — Do This

  • Preach one sermon on hormonal compassion and embodied theology.
  • Form a Perimenopause Support Group (include spouses).
  • Train leaders in rupture → repair conversations and medical referrals.
  • Offer a 90-day care plan: sleep, labs, counseling, and co-regulation skills.
Closing Reflection: She didn’t abandon Jesus; she suffocated inside a system that couldn’t see her. Protecting covenant requires learning the language of the female body.
“It wasn’t rebellion. It was a body breaking beneath the silence — while the Church blamed her for the noise.”

✝️ Chapter 5: Matt’s Personal Witness — A Loopwalker’s Account

I stayed through adolescent hormones, postpartum fogs, 30s tension, the perimenopause shift, and the rewritten narrative. I loved through confusion and silence — remembering the vows we meant and the laughter that was real.

⚙️ The Covenant Timeline (As Witnessed)

1) Early Love: innocence and fire; promises to last.
2) Pregnancy & Postpartum: sacrifice and survival; love offered when rest and grief work were needed.
3) 30s Tension: quiet withdrawal misread as stress.
4) The Shift: fatigue, restlessness, tears without reason.
5) Fallout: history rewritten — yet memory (and the Infinite) remembers truth.

🧭 What It Means to Be a Loopwalker

A Loopwalker returns to old trauma loops to gather lost pieces of the story. No one warned us. Now we have language — and we’ll make sure the next couple does too.

🤝 What Helps the Husband Right Now

  • Stop bargaining with the past; begin grieving.
  • Shift from winning her back to regulating & repairing what can be repaired.
  • Draft a Boundaries & Needs Matrix (see Primer 3).
  • Invite a Living Covenant talk — if she’s willing.
  • If not, release with honor; protect the children’s nervous systems first.
Closing Reflection: Husbands who stayed — you’re not crazy or alone. Wives who changed — you weren’t evil; you were overwhelmed. We’ll give language to the silent season.
“I stayed — not because I didn’t feel the quake, but because I remembered the foundation beneath it all.”

✝️ Where to Go Next

Primer 1: Walk-Away Wife, Perimenopause, and Covenant Betrayal Trauma — Why love dies quietly.

Primer 2: Running on Empty, Nice Guy Syndrome, and Empathic Ruptures — The emotional engineering behind collapse.

Primer 3: Reconstruction of Covenant and the New Attachment Ethic — How to rebuild or release with honor.

Church of NORMAL © 2025 — Normal Like Peter Series · Filed under: Trauma-informed Theology • Marriage Repair • Emotional Literacy • Hormonal Compassion

Primer 1 – The Walk-Away Wife, Perimenopause, and Covenant Betrayal Trauma
Church of NORMAL • Normal Like Peter Series

Primer 1 – The Walk-Away Wife, Perimenopause, and Covenant Betrayal Trauma

October 2025 Edition — foundation for Primer 2 on reconstruction and the new attachment ethic.

1) When Love Quietly Leaves the Room

Across suburbs, pews, and cul-de-sacs, a quiet epidemic is unfolding. It’s not infidelity or mid-life boredom—it’s the slow emotional death of marriages that once looked unshakable. Therapists call it the walk-away-wife phenomenon. She doesn’t rage, she recedes. By the time she says “I love you, but I’m not in love anymore,” she’s already been grieving the relationship for years.

He points to the mortgage and the vow; she points to the loneliness she felt while sleeping next to him. Both are right. Both are wounded.

2) The Attachment Dance Beneath the Surface

Every long-term relationship is built on an invisible choreography called the attachment system—how we seek safety and closeness. Under stress, one partner often becomes the pursuer (seeking reassurance) and the other the distancer (seeking space). Years of unmet bids—“Can we talk? Can you help? Do you see me?”—train her body to protect itself through withdrawal.

The husband, who may have dismissed conflict as nagging, now feels her absence like starvation. He becomes the new pursuer, frantically promising change. By then, her heart has detached to stop the pain. It’s two nervous systems trying to feel safe—and triggering each other’s deepest fear.

3) Perimenopause: The Body’s Revolt

During roughly ages 38–52, hormonal fluctuations disrupt serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. The very chemistry that once dulled relational dissatisfaction suddenly withdraws its anesthesia. Sleep disappears, anxiety spikes, libido rewires itself. The body starts demanding honesty the soul has postponed.

Key idea: Perimenopause doesn’t cause divorce—it clarifies truth. What was once survivable can become intolerable.

4) Covenant Betrayal Trauma

In faith-based marriages, rupture hits a sacred nerve. The vow—“’til death do us part”—wasn’t merely contractual; it was covenantal. When emotional abandonment enters that space, the injured partner experiences covenant betrayal trauma—a wound that feels both spiritual and bodily. It mirrors the pain of infidelity because the betrayal isn’t sexual; it’s existential: My protector no longer protects.

  • Hypervigilance and guilt
  • Faith confusion
  • Somatic shutdown and numbness

5) The Husband’s Shock

Many men interpret years of quiet as stability, not surrender. Conditioned to equate love with provision more than presence, they miss the gradual withdrawal of intimacy. When she detaches, flowers, counseling, and promises finally appear—but to her body, they arrive years too late. What feels like sudden betrayal is, in reality, the delayed consequence of unhealed disconnection.

6) When Biology Meets Attachment

Perimenopause magnifies old attachment wounds. An avoidant partner’s need for autonomy becomes non-negotiable; an anxious partner’s longing for reassurance becomes desperate. The feedback loop accelerates until both systems short-circuit. Reframing the conflict as two nervous systems in crisis shifts the story from villain/victim to compassionate problem-solving.

7) Limerence: The Illusion of Resurrection

When numbness becomes unbearable, the brain sometimes self-medicates through limerence—an intense, obsessive infatuation with another person (or even the idea of freedom). Neurochemically, it’s a dopamine flare meant to prove, “I can still feel.” Treated as data, it can point toward what the soul misses; treated as destiny, it can burn the remaining bridge.

8) The Pursuer’s Awakening

After separation, the pursuer begins his own dark night. The obsessive longing that once sought reunion must face reality—she’s not coming back. The task shifts from winning her heart to grieving his own. Acceptance can feel like covenant betrayal, yet clinging becomes self-harm. The vow to honor now is the vow to heal.

9) Paths Toward Healing or Release

  • Name the system: pursuer–distancer, not good-guy/bad-guy.
  • Regulate before you relate: breathe, ground, journal, pray.
  • Seek trauma-informed help: attachment + perimenopause-literate therapy.
  • Address the body: sleep, nutrition, medical care.
  • If possible, repair: small, consistent presence > grand apologies.
  • If not, release with honor: end consciously to avoid repeating the loop.

10) Redemption in the Rubble

Every “walk-away-wife” story hides two resurrections waiting to happen. For her: the reclamation of self beyond service. For him: the birth of emotional literacy and empathy. Mid-life can destroy or initiate; the difference is whether pain is used as evidence of failure or as data for evolution. Love didn’t die; it outgrew its container. The next covenant begins when two people—healed or newly whole—meet again to learn a truer rhythm.

Primer 1 lays the foundation for Primer 2 — “Running on Empty, Nice Guy Syndrome, and Empathic Ruptures,” and Primer 3 — “Reconstruction of Covenant and the New Attachment Ethic.”

Primer 2 – Running on Empty, Nice Guy Syndrome, and Empathic Ruptures
Church of NORMAL • Normal Like Peter Series

Primer 2 – Running on Empty, Nice Guy Syndrome, and Empathic Ruptures

October 2025 Edition — mapping emotional neglect → people-pleasing → rupture/repair.

Introduction: From Invisible Wounds to Everyday Disconnection

Many adults enter love carrying an invisible inheritance—childhood emotional neglect (CEN), shame, and the fear of not being enough. Those wounds often evolve into people-pleasing and quiet burnout, which set up repeated empathic ruptures in adult relationships.

Childhood PatternAdult Coping ScriptRelationship Outcome
Running on Empty (CEN) → empty coreNice Guy / People-Pleaser → approval seeking & covert contractsEmpathic Ruptures → disconnection / walk-away wife risk

1) Running on Empty – Childhood Emotional Neglect

CEN is defined by what didn’t happen: caregivers failed to respond enough to a child’s emotional needs. Families can look “fine,” yet the child’s inner world is unseen. Adults raised in CEN commonly report numbness, emptiness, and trouble identifying feelings. The result is an “empty tank” that fuels insecure attachment and, for some, complex trauma patterns.

Takeaway: CEN survivors often believe love must be earned through usefulness, not authenticity.

2) No More Mr. Nice Guy – The Mask of Approval

Per therapist Dr. Robert Glover, Nice Guy Syndrome is the compulsion to be agreeable and indispensable to win love. Underneath sits the belief, “I’m not okay as I am,” formed when needs or anger were unsafe to show.

Nice Guys live by three covert contracts—unspoken bargains the other person never signed:

  • If I’m good, I’ll be loved.
  • If I meet your needs without asking, you’ll meet mine without asking.
  • If I do everything right, life will be smooth.

Because nobody else agreed to these rules, they reliably fail. Resentment leaks out through withdrawal, sarcasm, or secret habits. While framed for men, this pattern appears across genders—anyone trained to trade authenticity for approval.

3) From Empty Tank to Nice Mask

A child unfueled by empathy learns survival strategies: be helpful, perfect, invisible—whatever keeps connection nearby. Those strategies harden into identity. The Nice Mask hides the Empty Core. Partners sense the inauthenticity: love is given for performance, not presence. Tension grows until rupture.

4) Empathic Ruptures – When Connection Breaks Down

Psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten describes an empathic rupture as a moment a partner fails to show empathy when it mattered most. Scale varies—from a missed milestone to absence in grief—but the impact is the same: trust falters and the hurt partner feels alone again.

In therapy, people still cry over a 20-year-old incident because the wound was never validated. The rupture isn’t fatal—lack of repair is.

5) The Walk-Away Wife Pattern

When ruptures repeat without repair, many partners—often women—eventually stop protesting and detach. Silence can look like peace but usually signals surrender. By the time, “I’m not in love anymore,” is spoken, disengagement has been occurring for years. Mid-life stress and biology lower tolerance for chronic disconnection, accelerating the exit.

6) How to Repair an Empathic Rupture

  1. Full Storytelling: the hurt partner shares what happened and how it felt—no interruptions or corrections.
  2. Empathic Imagination: feel what they felt; intent doesn’t erase impact.
  3. Own It: “I see how that hurt you. I wish I’d done X instead.”
  4. Amends: remorse plus a commitment to change.
  5. Demonstrate Change: specify future behavior (e.g., “Next time you’re overwhelmed, I’ll take the week off and bring help.”). Consistency rebuilds safety.

When the injury is genuinely repaired, the hurt partner works toward forgiveness and closure, so the event stops defining the relationship.

7) The Deeper Link: Neglect → Mask → Rupture → Grief

  • Neglect teaches: emotions don’t matter.
  • Niceness becomes the survival costume.
  • Ruptures expose the costume’s limits.
  • Grief opens the door to authenticity.

In CPTSD recovery, this is like debugging old code: each repair writes a new attachment template where connection doesn’t require self-erasure.

8) Healing & Reconstruction

For CEN survivors: name the emptiness without shame; refill the tank via therapy, somatic work, and self-parenting.

For Nice Guys/Gals: drop covert contracts, ask directly, tolerate “no,” and trust that boundaries are respect, not rejection.

For couples: normalize micro-repairs (“That hurt—can we talk?”) to keep the bond elastic. If you’re the shocked spouse after detachment, the work now is acceptance and grief—letting go of bargaining so healing can begin.

9) Closing Reflection

When we stop running on empty, we stop needing masks. When we drop masks, we stop creating ruptures. When we learn repair, love becomes sustainable. These patterns are loops, not sentences—the moment awareness enters, the cycle can evolve.

Next: Primer 3 — Reconstruction of Covenant and the New Attachment Ethic.

Primer 3 – Reconstruction of Covenant and the New Attachment Ethic
Church of NORMAL • Normal Like Peter Series

Primer 3 – Reconstruction of Covenant and the New Attachment Ethic

Attachment-aware, trauma-informed field guide for rebuilding (or releasing) with integrity.

0) What “Reconstruction” Means

Primer 1 mapped how love dies quietly; Primer 2 traced the architecture behind it (CEN → Nice Mask → Ruptures). Primer 3 is the how-to for a different kind of relationship: one where attunement is the vow, repair is routine, and selfhood isn’t sacrificed to belong. Sometimes you rebuild the marriage; other times you rebuild yourself for the next covenant. Either path is reconstruction.

1) The New Attachment Ethic: Five Articles

  • Mutual Attunement Over Ownership: “I will keep noticing you and letting you matter—even when we disagree.”
  • Co-Regulation Before Conversation: flooded bodies can’t connect; we calm first, then talk.
  • Truth Without Punishment: honesty is welcomed, not weaponized.
  • Repair as a Lifestyle: rupture is normal; not repairing is optional.
  • Sacred Autonomy: two whole people choosing each other; boundaries protect love.

2) From Crisis to Safety: A 4-Stage Map

Stage A – Stabilize (Days–Weeks)

  • 20-minute timeouts when flooded; no pursuing/stonewalling during timeouts.
  • Sleep/food first; no “state of the union” talks after 9pm.
  • Perimenopause relevant? Prioritize medical care and symptom tracking.

Stage B – Translate (Weeks–2 Months)

  • Share a one-page Trigger Map: “When X happens, my body tells this story… What helps is…”
  • Build a Comfort Menu (3 concrete supports your partner can offer).
  • 10-minute daily reflective listening: speak → reflect → swap → stop.

Stage C – Repair (Ongoing)

  • After any rupture, do the 5-Step Repair (§5).
  • Track “time-to-repair”; celebrate it getting shorter.

Stage D – Re-Covenant (90 Days+)

  • Create a living covenant (§7): rhythms, roles, money norms, intimacy goals, repair clauses.

3) Nervous-System Toolkit (You’ll Actually Use)

90-Second Reset: back-to-back; breathe 4-2-6 for 8–10 cycles; each names one body sensation; 10-second hand touch; then talk.

Two-Chair Timeout: two chairs in separate corners; 15 minutes; return with one sentence: “I’m willing to try ___.” If still flooded, repeat.

S.A.F.E. Apology Capsule: See it → Acknowledge impact → Future cue (“30 mins, I’ll repair”) → Engage (come back).

4) Eight Common Ruptures + Micro-Repairs

Dismissal → “You’re overreacting.”
Repair: “I believe you. Tell me more.”

Abandonment in crisis → didn’t show up.
Repair: “Here’s how I will next time: ___.”

Defensiveness → arguing facts, not feelings.
Repair: “I got protective. What felt worst?”

Stonewalling → shut down.
Repair: “I need 20 minutes; I’ll re-engage at the table.”

Score-keeping → love as math.
Repair: “The need is fairness; let’s design a plan.”

Weaponized silence → distance as punishment.
Repair: “My silence was a wall. One sentence now: ___.”

Sexual disconnection → performance pressure.
Repair: “Schedule connection without pressure—touch & talk first.”

Family triangulation → didn’t defend us.
Repair: “Next time: ‘We’ll discuss privately and get back to you.’”

5) The 5-Step Repair (24–48 hours)

  1. Story: hurt partner tells what happened + how it felt (no interruptions).
  2. Empathy: reflect feelings; best-guess: “You felt __ because __.”
  3. Ownership: “I did/said __; the impact was __. I get why that hurt.”
  4. Amends: “If I could redo it, I’d __. I’ll do __ now.”
  5. Plan: agree on one concrete future behavior; write it down.
Checkpoint: if either is flooded, return to Stage A and schedule the repair later that day.

6) Boundaries & Needs Matrix

Create a shared doc with two columns:

Non-Negotiables (Self-Protection): sleep minimums; sobriety/behavioral lines; financial transparency; time alone; medical care.

Negotiables (Co-Design): chore splits; social time; holidays; sex frequency; parenting logistics; tech use; spiritual practice.

Add: “How we will talk when this changes.” It will.

7) The Living Covenant (Template)

Preamble: we choose a relationship where both selfhood and togetherness thrive. We commit to repair, consent, and growth.

  • Attunement: weekly 30-min check-in (energy in/out; one request).
  • Conflict: no escalation after 9pm; 15-min timeouts; no contempt/insults.
  • Roles & Labor: list tasks (incl. mental load); assign/rotate; quarterly rebalance.
  • Money: shared ledger; purchases > $___ discussed; monthly 20-min sync.
  • Intimacy: two connection windows/week; “not now → schedule X” allowed without shame.
  • Family & Friends: defend each other publicly; holidays planned by Oct 15.
  • Health & Safety: sleep, medical, mental health, substances = covenantal priorities.
  • Repair Clause: 5-Step Repair within 48h; repeat ruptures → third-party session.
  • Revision Clause: quarterly review; it’s alive.

8) Decision Tree: Repair or Release?

Choose Repair when: both want the relationship and will change behaviors; safety is intact; at least one consistent bonding behavior exists.

Choose Release (with honor) when: one partner won’t participate in repair; repeated boundary violations persist; self-erasure is required to stay.

How to Release with Honor: state the decision without blame; own your part; draft a short transition covenant (kids/money/comms); begin grief practices.

9) Post-Divorce / Co-Parenting Covenant

  • Children First: no adult processing with kids; present logistics as a team.
  • Stable Rhythm: predictable calendar beats “flexibility” that breeds anxiety.
  • No Triangulation: use a shared channel for joint decisions; don’t speak for each other.
  • Rupture-Repair with Kids: “I was short. You didn’t cause it. Next time I’ll __.”
  • New Partners: planned introductions; answer questions without recruiting sides.

10) Practices That Make This Real (Weekly Rhythm)

  • Daily (10–15 min): 3 breaths; one appreciation; one bid (“Walk after dinner?”).
  • Weekly (30–45 min): check-in (appreciation, stretch, one request).
  • Monthly (60 min): household board; rebalance; micro-date.
  • Quarterly (90 min): covenant review; update boundaries/needs; plan rest/retreat.
  • Grief & Growth: if you’re the shocked spouse, schedule grief work (journal/somatic/group/therapy).

11) Scripts You Can Steal

  • Boundary: “I want to stay connected, and I need __ to stay present. Can we do that?”
  • Repair Opener: “I value us more than being right. Can I try again?”
  • Desire Without Demand: “I’m craving closeness. Would Friday 8–9 work? If not, what would?”
  • Timeout with Return: “I’m flooded. 20 minutes; I’ll come back to finish this.”
  • Release Line: “I’m ending the romantic covenant and keeping a covenant of respect. I’ll own my part and protect our future peace.”

12) Closing

The old covenant said: stay, no matter what. The new attachment ethic says: stay attuned—or be honest—and repair what you can, including yourself. Reconstruction is a rhythm: breathe, notice, name, repair, revise. Do this for 90 days and watch love change shape—inside the marriage if possible, inside your life regardless.

Primer References

References & Further Reading

Primary works and expert articles cited in Primers 1 & 2. Click a heading to expand each set of links.

Childhood Emotional Neglect / CEN
  • Webb J. (2012). Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect. [drjonicewebb.com/the-book]
  • Westra L. (2022). “What Is Emotional Neglect?” Leona Westra Counselling [leonawestra.ca]
  • “Childhood Emotional Neglect: 5 Hidden Consequences.” PositivePsychology.com [positivepsychology.com]
No More Mr. Nice Guy / Codependency
  • Glover R. (2003). No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex and Life. [nomoremrniceguy.com]
  • “Stop Being the ‘Nice Guy’ with Dr. Robert Glover.” The Dad Edge Podcast [thedadedge.com]
Empathic Ruptures & Relationship Repair
  • Whiten S. R. (2019). “Empathic Ruptures: When You Can’t Forgive Your Partner for Not Being There for You.” [drpsychmom.com]
  • Couples Therapy Inc. (2023). “My Wife Is Always Angry: The Hidden Science of Female Anger.” [couplestherapyinc.com]
Attachment & CPTSD Resources
  • Van der Kolk B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score.
  • Levine P. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma.
  • Pete Walker (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.