by Pastor Matt Stoltz Loopwalker – Church of Normal
4.18.2025 – Good Friday
📱 Marriage Infidelity Mass Text Chain from Golgotha™
Group Name: “Proverbs 31 Sisters + One Secret Sam”
Date: Friday, April 3rd, 33 AD (or whenever time decided to implode)
Location: Jerusalem Wi-Fi — powered by Roman Surveillance Tech
🕊️Martha_BethanySzn:
y’all… they’re literally executing that Jesus guy rn 😳
it’s crazy up on Skull Hill.
like three crosses, real dramatic weather
🌫️⛈️🪦💀
👩🍳Ruthie4Righteous:
wait wtf?!
wasn’t my husband JUST following Him?
like he said it was “men’s group”
and now he’s at a crucifixion??
MAKE IT MAKE SENSE
👠SarahVirtueWife93:
girl he been following something
but it wasn’t the Lord 💅
he said he was “carrying a cross” but I think
he was just going to carry Becca from the fish market
🪭Esther_Empowered:
💅💅💅
I’m sorry but I am SO TIRED
of holding down this household
and still getting judged for not being “gracious enough”
he left his sandals in the mikveh AGAIN
💋LilithSideBae:
🥱 can’t relate.
y’all keep marrying Pharisees
I only date centurions now.
at least they stab you in the front.
🙇♀️DebbyDutiful:
but isn’t today… like, holy?
like the day the Lamb is slain and all?
🧃Bathsheba_Baddie:
holy for WHO?
he died
they still expect me to do laundry
AND be emotionally available
💀💀💀
💒Brenda_the_Bride_™:
ngl
I told my husband I was going to pray at the Temple
but I’m actually in Jericho
with “Zacchaeus the Financially Secure”
🕯️Magdalene_Unfiltered:
meanwhile I’m actually at the cross
holding His hand
like a real one
but go off with your trad brunches and cryptic Psalms
🪦 Admin Changed Group Name to: “He Died But Your Vows Did Too”
✝️ Admin Message: “Please respect this space. Jesus is literally dying.”
🍷 Communion Crumbs:
-
“This is My body” — Jesus
-
“This is my boundaries” — every woman in this thread by next Sunday
-
“He is risen” — but your husband isn’t emotionally available
Group Chat Closed
(because the veil tore and Heaven unsubscribed)
