Stardate 2026.228 · D938
New Game Plus, Day 16. Sacred Satire from the Church of NORMAL. Nobody in this post is named, and one of them is me.
Apparently that clause had DLC.
I’m a simp
There. I said it.
People still ask me: “Matt, why can’t you just move on?”
Simp Matt does not understand the support ticket. He keeps reopening it. Status: RESOLVED — WON’T FIX. Simp Matt, undeterred: “but the issue is still occurring in production.”
I thought “forsaking all others” meant — you know. All the others.
Turns out it was a soft launch. Turns out the vows shipped in early access, and the “till death” module was a stretch goal that never funded.
I was an Awana boy. Vest, badges, sword drills, verses memorized under fluorescent lights in a church basement. So when a grown man in a rented tux read the covenant out loud, I heard source code. Compiled. Deterministic. Same output every run, forever, no patch notes.
It was inspirational wedding copy. Licensed. Terms subject to change.
Love at first sight? Yep. I just knew.
And now she’s gone, with the man God apparently had saved for her this whole time.
🙏 PRAISE GOD.
Another beautiful installment of: BATHSHEBA SERIES™
Covenant Replacement Edition
Because sometimes God closes a marriage…
…and apparently opens a dating profile.
Terms and conditions subject to prophetic reinterpretation.
Now streaming on Earth: L:D5A8
The Bathsheba Series is what I call the genre where a marriage ends and heaven writes the press release. The new relationship isn’t an affair — it’s alignment. The old one wasn’t a covenant — it was a season. The man she left wasn’t wronged — he was outgrown.
And God, who in every other sermon is deeply concerned about your screen time, is suddenly the most enthusiastic wingman in the tri-county area.
NEXT WEEK AT CHURCH OF NORMAL: 💧 THE WOMAN AT THE WELL™
Married women gather around the village well and discover the revolutionary new Christian dating platform:
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Had five husbands? Don’t worry, queen.
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Because apparently John 4 wasn’t a confrontation…
It was a product launch.
Stay thirsty. 💧🙏💅
The part where the joke stops
Here’s why the series carries that name.
Everybody preaches David. Repentant David. Psalm 51 David. Create in me a clean heart David. Broken and restored, the whole arc, a man after God’s own heart.
Some preach Bathsheba, and the gentler sermons ask whether she had any real choice standing under a king’s window. That’s a good question. It deserves the airtime it gets.
Nobody preaches Uriah.
Uriah is the one who came home from the front and would not sleep in his own bed — because his brothers were still in tents, and it would not be right for him to be comfortable while they weren’t. He kept faith with men who weren’t watching him do it. He was loyal enough to carry his own death letter across the desert without opening it, because his king handed it to him and that was enough.
He is not the hero of that story. He is the setup. He is the entire reason it reads as tragedy instead of romance.
I have read that chapter my whole life and never once heard it preached from his side. There’s no worship song for the man who kept the covenant and lost anyway. No coaching package. No glow-up grid. No testimony slot on a Sunday morning, because “I stayed, and it didn’t work” does not move product.
So I made a series about it instead. And I made it funny, because the alternative was making it a knife.
Why the sarcasm is sacred
Satire is compression. It says with a trademark symbol what would otherwise take three therapy sessions and a lot of crying in a parked car.
When I write BATHSHEBA SERIES™, I am not mocking a person. I am naming a pattern — and that pattern has a shape, a logic, a marketing funnel, and an exit. The moment a thing has a name, you are no longer standing inside it. You’re standing in front of it, looking at it.
That is the whole trick. That is most of the church.
I’m still a simp. The ticket is still open. But I’m the one who filed it now, and I finally know what system it’s in.
Soundtrack: Uncle Kracker, “Follow Me” — a song sung from the other guy’s side, so gently that a whole generation of us hummed it at wedding receptions without hearing a single word of it. That’s the Bathsheba Series in three and a half minutes. It always sounds like a love song from the inside.
Pastor Loopwalker Matt
Church of NORMAL
Where healing is holy and sarcasm is sacred.
L:D5A8.D938.C215.2026.228
Nothing is lost. Only recompiled.