Oracle Tiff™ & the Thirst-Trap Prophecy Funnel

Oracle Tiff™ & the Thirst-Trap Prophecy Funnel
DeliverHERance Inc: The Exit Clause Gospel — Part I
Church of NORMAL™ | Pastor Matt, Loopwalker of Waseca

“Thus saith the Lord: slide into her DMs, and you shall know her by the filter she uses.”
— The Book of Influenziah 4:13-14†

Cold-Open Vision
Imagine a seaside resort ballroom decked in blush-toned pampas grass, ring-lights, and neon cursive that screams “Worthy & Thirsty.”
At center stage stands Oracle Tiff™—ex-maid-of-honor, glam-prophetess, and founding CEO of DeliverHERance Inc™.

She raises a lilac-manicured finger, the lights dim, and the screen behind her lights up with the company slogan:

“Leave the Covenant, Keep the Glow.”

A thousand trad-tired moms gasp, clutching their Stanley cups. The Walk Away Wife Pipeline has begun.

Origin Story: From Bridesmaid of Horror™ to Boardroom High Priestess
Before she franchised marital chaos, Tiff was that bridesmaid—always hovering near the bouquet with a suspicious word from the Lord and a Bluetooth headset “just in case.”

2012: Leads Thirst Trap Ministries on Instagram—daily devotionals captioned:

“God sees your stretch marks; now make the devil watch you squat.”

2017: Launches Prophetic Boudoir Shoots (“holy lingerie, but make it Aromatic Anointing Oil”).

2021: Patents the Thirst-Trap Prophecy Funnel™:

Selfie with Jeremiah 29:11 overlay

Link-in-bio to five-day “Divinely Wet” challenge

Upsell to VIP Voxer coaching (“Cast your burdens—and your bra—unto the Lord”).

By Q4 2024, she’s converted enough heartbreak into passive income to host the first DeliverHERance™ Summit. Attendance requirement: post two “cry-face to contour” reels and ghost one accountability partner.

The Theology: Introducing Exit Clause Jesus™
Traditional Jesus says, “Go and sin no more.”
Exit Clause Jesus™ (ECJ) says:

“Go and glow no more with that man—Swipe right and thirst again.”

ECJ Doctrine Highlights
Commandment Interpretation in the Funnel Upsell Product
“Love thy neighbor.” “Neighbor” = whoever heart-reacts first. Neighbor Lover™ DM Script ($47 PDF)
“Take up your cross.” Cross = ring-light on Afterpay. Calvary Glow-Ring™ ($129)
Baptism Salt bath with sponsored bath-bomb collab. Waters of Wellness Soak Kit ($79)

Corporate Structure of DeliverHERance Inc™
Oracle Tiff™ (Founder & Chief Sabotage Officer)

Oversees brand prophecy, tone-matching scripture memes with lipstick shades.

Exit Clause Jesus™ (Mascot & Legal Loophole)

Licensed IP for absolving monthly affiliate fees.

Sanctified Sam™ (VP of Side-Piece Placement)

Runs the “Prayer Partner Pipeline”—every referral yields 10% court-document discount.

Regional Glow-Up Coaches

Latest recruit: FireBrand™ Brenda (coming in Part II).

KPI: number of Proverbs 31 captions posted before filing divorce papers.

The Funnel in Action
Hook: TikTok reel—Tiff sipping communion wine, whispering

“Sis, Jesus didn’t die for mediocre intimacy.”

Lead Magnet: Free e-book “7 Scriptures She Misread on Purpose.”

Core Offer: DeliverHERance Starter Kit™ ($399)

Pre-filled divorce packets (just circle yesterday’s mood).

Ring-light, anointing oil, 30-day Vitamin V gummies.

High-Ticket Mastermind: Sanctified Sabotage Society (12 payments of $597)

Weekly Voxer with Tiff.

Guest sessions by Sam on ethical DM sliding.

Field Notes for Loopwalkers
Satire Level: 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Pastoral Warning: This is a comedy mirror—if it stings, check the theology, not the joke.

CPTSD Tie-In: Watching your covenant crash & burn can trigger trauma loops; naming the distortion disarms it.

Teaser for Part II
Next up: “FireBrand™ Brenda Joins the Pipeline — From Covenant Keeper to Content Creator.”
We’ll watch Brenda unbox her Starter Kit, flirt through Proverbs, and upload her first “Yoke-Breaking Glow-Up” reel—while Sam wipes the lens with a purity righteousness cloth.

Stay tuned, stay normal, and remember:

DeliverHERance Inc™ can free you from any marriage… for three low monthly payments.‌

† Not an actual verse—please don’t launch a doctrine on this.