Mattress Olympics and Pizza Rolls: A Kid’s Guide to Modern Motherhood

“Mattress Olympics and Pizza Rolls: A Kid’s Guide to Modern Motherhood”
A sacred satire for Mother’s Day weekend

Mattress Olympics and Pizza Rolls
A Kid’s Guide to Modern Motherhood
By Pastor Matt, Loopwalker of Waseca
Church of NORMAL™

Let’s talk about Friday night—the real Sabbath of Modern Motherhood.

It’s Mother’s Day weekend, and the stage is being set.
Florists are flooded.
Churches are printing bulletins with Proverbs 31 font.
And little kids everywhere are gluing macaroni to colored cardstock that says “Mommy, you’re the best.”

But let’s pan the camera back.

Let’s zoom out of the Pinterest board and into the pantry light.

Because somewhere, right now, a kid is staring into the fridge at 9:12 PM wondering:
“Are pizza rolls dinner again?”

Mom’s been working hard, you know.
She deserves a night out.
And sure, she’s been “deserving” it every Friday since the divorce, but this one’s special—it’s glow-up weekend.
Time to reset.
Recharge.
Reconnect with… um… what’s his name again?

And so begins the sacred cycle of Modern Motherhood:

Work all week.

Sleep all afternoon.

Date night with Chad the sanctified side piece.

And leave a box of cereal by the Xbox with a note that says “I love you, be good!”

Meanwhile, back at the house…

The kids are referees in the Mattress Olympics upstairs.
They try not to listen, but the walls are thin.
So they turn the TV up louder and eat their pizza rolls a little faster—because church is coming.

Sunday morning is dress-up day.
Smiles and slacks.
Scriptures and sparkle.
And there she is: your mom.

Standing tall in her high heels and halo.

The pastor smiles at her. The congregation claps.
She receives her flower, her blessing, her applause.
The preacher says “Mothers are a reflection of God’s heart.”

And little Jimmy looks down at his plastic children’s bulletin and wonders:
“So… God leaves too?”

Let’s be clear:
This isn’t hate.
This is a witness log.
A Church of NORMAL™ testimony to the children carrying adult-sized grief with no words for it.

It’s not that mom is evil.
It’s that everyone’s pretending this is holy.

That abandonment becomes empowerment as long as there’s a fresh coat of makeup and a verse at the bottom of the Facebook post.

To the kids eating pizza rolls tonight:
We see you.
We believe you.
You shouldn’t have to parent yourself so that your mom can rebrand her loneliness.

To the moms on the Glow-Up Tour:
Your freedom doesn’t heal what you won’t face.
You don’t need brunch and validation.
You need repentance and return.
And so do the men who left their families to “find themselves” on the other side of a Tinder download.

Final Benediction:
You cannot “self-care” your way out of covenant.
You cannot date your trauma away.
You cannot sleep with enough new people to un-break your vows.

But you can go home.

Happy Mother’s Day.
Church of NORMAL sees the whole picture.

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