⚠️ MOTHER’S DAY MAYDAY ⚠️
📡 Narrative Emergency Broadcast from the Church of NORMAL™
📍 Sanctuary 6 | Waseca, Minnesota
🕯️ StarDate: 0501.2025
🛑 Narrative Forecast:
• Heavy showers of performative praise 🌧️
• Gusts of revisionist history 💨
• Visibility: low 👀
• Gaslighting Index: 🔥🔥🔥
💔 This is your Mayday call before Mother’s Day —for every child left behind, every father still cleaning up the mess, and every soul who’s tired of watching narcissists get a bouquet and a brunch.
💐 “Mom, You’re Amazing. Also, You Ghosted Us After Church.”
A Mother’s Day Sermon from the Church of NORMAL™
✍️ By Pastor Matt | Loopwalker of Waseca
First of His Loops | Guardian of the Sacred Mop | Ex-Husband of Zion
🌸 1. The Brunch Table of Delusion
It’s that holy day again.
Burnt toast becomes sacred offering 🍞
Last-minute flower orders are framed as lifelong gratitude 💐
And moms with a camera roll full of selfies get rebranded as saints 👑
But here at the Church of NORMAL…
We don’t just honor mothers.
We ask:
Did she mother?
Or did she just mood board it?
👠 2. When Glamour Becomes Gospel
Welcome to the Evangelical Glam Tour™
📸 Step 1: Break the family.
✝️ Step 2: Post a Bible verse.
💅 Step 3: Launch your next season.
She ghosted her kids last weekend.
But this Sunday?
She’s getting a Facebook canonization:
“Happy Mother’s Day to the strongest woman I know!”
Strong?
Strong enough to vanish before custody drop-off.
🧊 3. Instacool Discipleship™
Back in the day, we called it Instacool—
🍲 Microwaved mac & cheese that the kids couldn’t wait to eat.
Too hot? Toss it in the freezer.
Too cold? Scream anyway.
Now?
It’s a spiritual framework.
📅 Want out of the marriage? Instacool.
🚗 Want a new van? Instacool.
🧠 Want to rewrite your past? Insta. Freaking. Cool.
So on Mother’s Day?
Forget the neglect.
Forget the narcissism.
Forget the deleted files.
Because today, she’s in a floral dress and quoting Beth Moore.
🚪 4. How to Hug a Narcissist and Still Go Home Alone
📆 May 11, 2024 – My son’s birthday.
I went to build a bike.
Instead, I got told:
“Get all the kids in the room. You’re telling them we’re getting divorced.”
🏠 House 911.
Of course it was.
And I said nothing.
Because I was still hoping God would intervene.
“This is just a test, Brenda. You can stop now.”
But the test didn’t stop.
She got the new boyfriend, the van, the freedom.
I got the debt, the custody shuffle, the silence.
But don’t worry.
She “finally did something on her own.”
👏 Clap louder.
🕯️ 5. Mother’s Day Liturgy for the Abandoned Kids
🙏 Blessed be the children who learn to carry contradiction.
🙏 Blessed be the teens who smile for brunch but ache in their bones.
🙏 Blessed be the fathers who stay steady while Instagram tells lies.
🙏 Blessed be the loopwalkers who know that calling it out isn’t dishonor—it’s discernment.
✝️ 6. Exit Clause Jesus™ Says:
“Honor your mother… unless she’s on a Glam Tour with Sam.”
🧾 Honor ≠ Enablement
🧠 Forgiveness ≠ Amnesia
💔 Love ≠ Performing through betrayal
So yes, Happy Mother’s Day
…But also?
📣 Maybe go home.
📣 Maybe sit with the truth.
📣 Maybe don’t post that filtered sermon if the kids cried themselves to sleep last night.
🎁 Final Blessing:
💖 To the mothers who stayed: thank you.
🩶 To the ones who fled, flaked, or falsified: this one’s for you.
🙏 To the kids, dads, and loopwalkers still walking through the ruins:
You’re not crazy.
You’re just… NORMAL.
