⭐ PRIMER 8 — COVENANT RECONSTRUCTION & THE NEW ATTACHMENT ETHIC
How to Rebuild (or Release) a Relationship with Integrity, Safety & Attunement
(Hunter-Moon 2025 Alignment Edition)
Some covenants heal.
Some covenants end.
All covenants must be reconstructed.
Reconstruction is not about going back.
It is about building forward — with clarity, with safety, with sober compassion, and with a new attachment ethic that honors both people’s nervous systems.
This Primer teaches you how to rebuild a relationship or yourself with integrity.
1. What Reconstruction Actually Means
Reconstruction is the intentional rebuilding of:
- emotional safety
- trust
- communication
- repair capacity
- identity
- selfhood
- relational rhythm
Reconstruction is not:
- nostalgia
- performing stability
- pretending nothing broke
- returning to the “old normal”
Reconstruction is:
creating a new covenant between two updated identities.
Sometimes you rebuild the partnership.
Sometimes you rebuild you.
Both paths are Reconstruction.
2. The New Attachment Ethic (Five Articles)
The old relationship ethic was:
“Stay, no matter what.”
The New Attachment Ethic is:
“Stay attuned — or be honest — and repair what you can.”
⭐ Article 1 — Attunement Over Ownership
“I will keep noticing you and letting you matter — especially when we disagree.”
⭐ Article 2 — Co-Regulation Before Conversation
Flooded bodies cannot connect.
Regulate first.
Then speak.
⭐ Article 3 — Truth Without Punishment
Honesty is welcomed, not weaponized.
⭐ Article 4 — Repair as a Lifestyle
Rupture is inevitable.
Not repairing is optional.
⭐ Article 5 — Sacred Autonomy
Two whole people choosing each other.
Boundaries protect the love, not threaten it.
This is the covenantal spine of all Reconstruction work.
3. Crisis → Safety Map (The Four-Stage Rebuild)
Reconstruction always follows this sequence.
⭐ Stage A — Stabilize
- No serious talks while flooded
- Sleep, food, hydration, regulation → first
- Address biological disruptions early (ex: perimenopause, stress, illness)
Stability is the foundation of safety.
⭐ Stage B — Translate
Tools:
- One-page Trigger Map:
“When X happens, my body tells this story…” - Comfort Menu:
Three specific co-regulation options that help - 10-minute daily reflective listening:
speak → reflect → swap → stop
Translation prevents misinterpretation.
⭐ Stage C — Repair
- Use the 5-Step Repair (below)
- Track “time-to-repair” and celebrate when the window shortens
Repair is not an event — it’s a rhythm.
⭐ Stage D — Re-Covenant
Create a Living Covenant outlining:
- daily rhythms
- roles and labor
- intimacy agreements
- money norms
- conflict rules
- repair clauses
- boundaries
- revision schedule
This becomes the container for the new relationship.
4. Eight Common Ruptures + Micro-Repairs
Every couple hits the same rupture types.
Here are a few:
⭐ Dismissal → “You’re overreacting.”
Repair: “I believe you. Tell me more.”
⭐ Stonewalling / Shutdown
Repair: “I’m flooded. I need 20 minutes. I will come back.”
⭐ Abandonment in Crisis
Repair: “Next time, here’s exactly how I will show up…”
⭐ Defensiveness
Repair: “I got protective and stopped listening. What felt worst?”
⭐ Misattunement
Repair: “I interpreted you wrong. Can we try again slower?”
⭐ Weaponized Silence
Repair: “My silence was a wall, not safety. I’m here now.”
⭐ Disorganized Pursuit/Withdrawal
Repair: “Let’s both pause and regulate first.”
Micro-repairs keep small wounds from becoming structural failures.
5. The 5-Step Repair (Within 24–48 Hours)
This is the backbone of Reconstruction.
- Story
Hurt partner tells what happened and how it felt — no interruptions. - Empathy
Reflect feelings. Validate impact.
(“You felt ___ because ___.”) - Ownership
“I did/said ___. The impact was ___. I get why that hurt.” - Amends
“If I could redo it, I would ___. I can do ___ now.” - Plan
One concrete behavioral change for next time.
If either body is flooded → pause → regulate → resume.
6. Boundaries & Needs Matrix
Your relationship needs a shared document with two columns:
Non-Negotiables (Safety Standards)
Examples:
- sobriety / substance boundaries
- minimum sleep
- tone rules
- honesty / transparency
- conflict boundaries
- no processing while intoxicated
These protect the nervous system.
Negotiables (Co-Designed Rhythms)
Examples:
- chore distribution
- intimacy schedules
- social time
- holidays
- tech rules
- parenting logistics
These keep the relationship fair and functional.
Both partners update the Matrix quarterly.
7. The Living Covenant Template
A new relational document with:
⭐ Attunement
Weekly check-in (energy in/out + one request)
⭐ Conflict Rules
No escalation after 9pm
No name-calling
15-minute timeouts
Return policy (“I’ll come back at ___.”)
⭐ Roles & Labor
Divide tasks explicitly, including mental load
Rebalance quarterly
⭐ Money Rhythms
Shared ledger
Check-ins monthly
Purchases > $___ require conversation
⭐ Intimacy
Two scheduled connection windows per week
“Not now → schedule X” allowed without guilt
⭐ Repair Clause
5-Step Repair within 48 hours
⭐ Revision Clause
Review every 90 days
It’s alive. It evolves.
The Living Covenant becomes the “constitutional document” of the relationship.
8. Repair or Release? (The Decision Tree)
Choose Repair when:
- both want the relationship
- both are willing to change behaviors
- emotional and physical safety exist
- at least one bonding ritual remains (laughter, softness, touch, shared memories)
Choose Release when:
- one partner refuses repair
- boundaries are repeatedly violated
- self-erasure is required to stay
- the same rupture cycles continue without ownership
- presence becomes unsafe
Release with Honor:
- own your part
- no character assassination
- draft a Transition Covenant (kids, money, home, communication)
- protect the children’s nervous systems first
- close the chapter without rewriting history in anger
Release is not failure.
Release is a boundary with dignity.
9. The Co-Parenting Covenant (Post-Divorce)
A new covenant for a new relationship structure.
Children First
No adult processing with kids. Ever.
Predictable Rhythm
Stable routines beat “flexibility.”
Unified Communication
One shared communication channel.
No triangulation through children or family.
Rupture → Repair With Kids
“I was short. You didn’t cause it. Next time I’ll do ___.”
New Partners
Intentional introductions
Clear boundaries
No recruiting sides
A peaceful co-parenting covenant heals the next generation.
10. Scripts You Can Steal
These are plug-and-play.
⭐ Repair Opener
“I value us more than being right. Can I try again?”
⭐ Boundary
“I want to stay connected, and I need ___ to stay present.”
⭐ Desire Without Demand
“I’m craving closeness. Would Friday work? If not, what would?”
⭐ Timeout
“I’m flooded. Give me 20 minutes. I will come back.”
⭐ Validation
“That makes sense. I can see why that hurt.”
⭐ Ownership
“I did ___, and the impact was ___. I understand now.”
⭐ Release Line
“I’m ending the romantic covenant and keeping a covenant of respect.”
Final Word
Primer 8 is the culmination of the attachment primers.
It integrates:
- the biology of Primer 1
- the attachment diagnostics of Primer 2
- the nervous-system theology of Primer 3
- the collapse-map of Primer 4
- the inner-child work of Primer 5
- the identity leadership of Primer 6
- the creative rebirth of Primer 7
Reconstruction is the eighth foundation of the Infinite Game —
the ability to repair or release with maturity, clarity, and attunement,
so the next covenant you build is worthy of the person you’ve become.
