DeliverHERance™ Divorce Kit: The Walkaway Wife Pipeline Punch Calendar
A sacred tool from the Church of NORMAL for tracking your holy exodus from covenant.
Overview:
Inspired by the biblical Woman at the Well—who had five husbands, and the man she was with wasn’t her husband—comes a modern reinvention for the TikTok era: the DeliverHERance™ Divorce Kit, featuring the Walkaway Wife Pipeline Punch Calendar.
This ain’t your grandma’s Advent calendar.
Instead of candles and candy, you get:
- Red flags 🚩
- Mantras of liberation ✨
- And pre-authorized divorce affirmations 📜
Because why work on your marriage… when you can monetize your exit?
Track your healing journey one husband at a time—just like the Samaritan influencer who met Jesus at the well and left her bucket for a glow-up.
Calendar Doors:
🔹 Door #1: Husband #1 – “The High School Sweetheart”
Forgot your love language. Enjoys sports. Once said “What now?” during a fight.
Divorce justification: “He never really saw the real me.”
Reward: One trauma podcast download and a lavender bath bomb.
🔹 Door #2: Husband #2 – “The Spiritual Leader”
Didn’t pray with you, only for you. Missed therapy to lead worship practice.
Divorce justification: “We were unequally yoked in self-growth.”
Reward: One Oracle Tiff™ quote sticker: “Some of us are just meant to be witnessed.”
🔹 Door #3: Husband #3 – “The Enneagram 9 Who Didn’t Read the Book”
Said yes too much. Read zero of the books you left on the kitchen table.
Divorce justification: “I carried the emotional labor.”
Reward: Coupon for a wine-tasting co-regulation retreat.
🔹 Door #4: Husband #4 – “The Guy Who Didn’t Go to Therapy”
Had childhood trauma but wouldn’t talk about it. Preferred fixing things to fixing himself.
Divorce justification: “I shouldn’t have to heal for him.”
Reward: Custom mug: “Boundaries Are Bae.”
🔹 Door #5: Husband #5 – “The TikTok Skeptic”
Said your content was cringe. Didn’t believe influencers should monetize pain.
Divorce justification: “He wasn’t supportive of my digital healing.”
Reward: Social media scheduler & one 30-second sad reel template.
❌ Door #6: The Man Who Isn’t a Husband
This one isn’t even a door. It’s just a sticker of Chad.
He lives in your house. Brings tacos. Validates your boundaries.
He isn’t your husband.
He isn’t planning to be.
But he does bounce the bed and heart your Instagram stories.
Optional upgrade: Chad Premium™ Edition comes with emotional unavailability and 2 gym selfies per day.
BONUS CONTENT:
- Link to download your “My Roomba Got Custody” Blog Companion Guide
- Access to the DeliverHERance Inc. Affiliate Program: get paid for every divorce you refer!
- Roomba charm bracelet: because he never forgets to sweep up your tears.
Church of NORMAL Blessing:
“May your laundry be folded, your emotional labor outsourced, and your healing monetized.”
— The Book of Exit Clause Jesus, Chapter 5
Coming soon to Etsy & your favorite trauma meme page.
